[identity profile] caersmane.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] ds_team_whimsy
I wrote two fics for this, but the other one is the one that jumped all over me. So I'm giving you my cracky fic, with hugs and sparkles for all of you because you are all so amazing.
Thanks, Torra, for all your input and suggestions. You were brilliant helping me with this.

No porn, there's always language, there's even swearing. K/V. I'm a little weirded out that I wrote two K/V fic, and I doubt it will ever happen again.


“When Fraser moved back to Canada, I thought this kind of stuff would stop happening.” Kowalski holds up one arm as the squire moves around him, tightening the straps on the armour.

His face mirroring the annoyance evident in Kowalski's voice, Vecchio sighs heavily. “You and me both,” he mutters. “Do you have a plan? Because you can't ride a horse to save your life, Kowalski.”

“Ain't the horse I'm worried about.” He winces as straps tighten in delicate places. “More concerned about the other guy on the horse trying to impale me.”

“So much for a normal life.” Vecchio waves away the squire hovering near him. “I gotta say, being kidnapped by elves is a first for me. And dying in a joust is not the ending I had in mind for either of us.”

There's a bark from behind them and a soft clearing of a throat. The two men turn to stare at, well, precisely the person they expect to see.

“Ah. Welcome.” Ben's smile is wide and confused, but pleased. “I must admit that when I requested they find two knights to complete the team, this is not what I had intended.”

Vecchio raises an eyebrow at that. “Benny, you got some 'splaining to do.”

“More important?” Kowalski pushes away the squire. “You can stop this fucking farce, Fraser, and get me out of this goddamned tin can!”

**

“This? This explains everything.” Kowalski makes a gesture meant to indicate the room, the land, the whole situation in general. “If this is where you really live then the whole invincible super freak thing makes a lot more sense.”

“I don't live here, as such. I've been, well, coming here for most of my life and--” Ben rubs at his eyebrow, taking a moment to gather his words. “Actually, I was hoping to circumvent the explanation as we don't have a great deal of time. You're here now and I should inform you of the rules immediately.”

“Rules?” Gauntlets now gone, Kowalski points his fingers at Ben. “You mean you got rules other than 'impale the other guy in the chest and make sure he falls from the fucking horse'?”

“Now Ray, it isn't quite that...” Ben trails off and his mouth twists a little. “Actually, that's really a fair description of the joust,” he allows with a nod. “I'm sure you'll do your best, Ray. If you are able to stand after you have been felled, you will then commence to fight with the sword you have been given.”

“Frase, I can't even lift the damn sword, let alone fight with it!” Kowalski spins away to stomp off but only ends up throwing himself off balance and nearly toppling over, rescued at the last moment by Ben and Vecchio. “Why the hell can't you wear this?” he snaps at Vecchio.

“It chafes,” Vecchio says. “I'll take one of the other events. You tell us what we have to do, Benny. You need our help, we're here to help.”

“I do appreciate that, Ray, Ray.”

“Oh, he goes by Stanley now.” Vecchio tosses a smirk over to Kowalski, who flips him off.

“Well then. There are three events. The joust, archery, and a footrace. I will complete the archery task. Ray, would you please take part in the footrace?”

“Yeah sure, no problem, Benny.” Vecchio pats him on the shoulder. “I can't run in this suit though. There anything else around here that I could wear?”

**

“Benny, answer me a question.” Vecchio squirms and tries to pull the vest down past his waist to hide the snug fit of the tights. “Where are we and why are we here? Really?”

“Ah. Well, you're in, I suppose a parallel dimension, of sorts, Ray. A pocket of reality separate, and yet still part of, the reality that you interact with everyday. For reasons which do not need to be explored at this juncture, I have been part of their society for most of my life. Recently however, there has been talk of including me in the culture in a more personal way.” He runs a finger between the stiff brocade collar of his jacket and his neck. “One of the elven nobles has proposed marriage to me, and the union has been approved of by the council.”

“You telling me you bagged an elf? Benny, that's great news! Where is she? I bet she's a real doll.” Vecchio slaps him on the back, grinning.

“It isn't quite so straightforward.” Ben falls silent as the heralds step onto the jousting field and begin calling out the names and titles of the two combatants. “The other family is very much opposed to the match,” he says when the field clears again.

“Oh, so they don't want human and elven mixed babies? I get it. You have to win this competition in order to marry her, sure, but are you sure you want to raise kids around people like that?”

“Elves and humans are two distinctive and separate species, Ray,” Ben points out. “We would not be able to breed. And my suitor is not female.”

Vecchio follows Ben's line of sight to the stands the tall, dark haired, well built man...elf that Ben's gaze rests on. “I see,” he manages.

They both fall silent as the squires lead out the opponents. Kowalski looks decidedly unsteady on the massive horse, although Vecchio voices to Ben just how appealing the look of a knight in shining armour suddenly is. Ben returns the sentiment, and his hand reaches out to clutch at Vecchio's arm as Kowalski seats the lance and lowers it. There's just one run, full tilt and there's a collective gasp as Kowalski's lance hits the other man square in the chest and shatters in a spray of wood, skewing his opponent's lance so it just skims over Kowalski's armoured shoulder; the elf flies off his horse and lands with a heavy clatter, unmoving.

“I'll be damned,” Vecchio breathes out. “He won!”

Kowalski drops what's left of his pole and makes the mistake of letting go of the horse so he can rip the helm off; his eyes go wide as he loses his balance and slides off, landing with a pained grunt. When he opens his eyes he's staring up at Vecchio and Ben, all eight of them, and he gives a dopey smile. “I won, right? That was me winning?”

“Yes Ray,” Ben confirms and bends to help him up. “That was you winning.”

**


“A guy? You're getting hitched to a guy?” Kowalski stands and reluctantly lets Ben adjust the lace at his wrists and collar.

“Not entirely by choice.” He keeps his tone neutral, his eyes darting up to Kowalski's face, and then away, trying to gauge his reaction. “Not that I have anything against such a union. I simply to do not want to wed this particular elf.” There's a bark from his left and he rolls his eyes at Diefenbaker. “I know you think I should consider his offer in earnest,” he says to the half wolf. “But you always think with your stomach.”

“So you got no problem with two guys, uh, being together?” Kowalski pulls away, irritated by the fuss. “I don't know what Ray's told you when he writes, or whatever, or what he's said here. Cause uh, me and him... It's weird I know, and I still don't really know what to think of it myself, but he's really good in...”

“I had guessed,” Ben interrupts, deciding that the rudeness can be excused in this particular instance. “Before I left Chicago.”

“Oh. Yeah. We aren't too good with subtle.” He looks away, blushing.

“I'm inclined to agree with you,” Fraser agrees, the smile evident in his voice, though his face remains passive. “In her last letter, Francesca...”

“Franny needs to learn to mind her own business,” Kowalski mutters and combs his hands through his hair, making the damp blonde mess spike up. He tilts his head to the side as the two men line up for the race, his eyes fixed on Vecchio. “Now that, Frase, is a great ass.”

They bolt down the track, and Ben has to admit that he can see why Ray is so interested in Ray; the man definitely has a rather attractive posterior, and his thigh muscles... He clears his throat and looks down at Dief, who whines and stretches out over Ben's boots.

“Fuck yes!” Kowalski screams out, punching a fist into the air. He turns and envelopes Ben in a hug. “We're gonna kick their asses!”

Ben's eyes go wide with sudden fear. “I, there was no way he could have won,” he says faintly. “How did he win?”

Kowalski, too caught up in the victory, doesn't note the alarm radiating from Ben. “The other bastard fell,” he says, and runs over to Vecchio, grabs him around the waist and lifts him up.

“Oh god,” Ben says to Dief. “I'm going to win.”

**

“So Benny's marrying-” Vecchio searches the VIP stand and finds the elf, points him out. “-that one there.”

“No shit? He ain't so bad. Wonder why Fraser's not too keen on it.” Ray swears at the tall elf woman that moves in front of him, blocking his view of the archery field; she eyes him with contempt but moves out of his way.

“What? What do you mean? How can he not be keen? He had us brought here to win this for him,” Vecchio points out. “Why would he bring us here if he wanted to lose?”

“First, he didn't bring us here. He was just as surprised to see us here as we were to see him.”

“I wasn't surprised to see him. I would have been surprised if he wasn't here.” Vecchio moves his legs as Dief pushes past him to lay on the grass.

“Okay yeah, I'll give you that. Still, he wasn't expecting us, Ray. He requested two people to complete his team and they came and grabbed us. I'm tellin you, he wants to lose. He does not want to get married.”

Vecchio frowns and fixes his eyes on Ben, on the tense, stiff way he stands, waiting his turn, bow in hand. “I think you're right,” he agrees. “And we won our competitions. Even if he loses, he wins. What are we gonna do?”

Kowalski looks around and pushes a hand through his hair. He taps the elf at his side, the rude one who had stood in front of him. She jerks her arms away, lips curling back in a snarl.

“Woah, hey, calm down,” Kowalski says, holding up his hands. “I just wanna ask you a couple of questions.” He flashes a grin, tilts his head to the side, tries to be charming.

It doesn't work. Her frown deepens. “You are trying to help that man-” she jabs a finger toward Ben “-that human, take away the one I would marry!” she hisses.

Now Kowalski's smile widens, becomes real. “We didn't know any better,” he assures her. “You help us, we help you get your man. Elf. Him.” He jerks a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the stands. “Deal?”

She eyes them warily, then glances down at a whine from Diefenbaker. “I help you take your Benton Fraser from here and you will leave me to marry the man I deserve?”

“Long as it ain't any of us,” Vecchio clarifies.

She tilts her chin up, then nods. “Very well. It's a deal.”

Vecchio looks over to the targets just in time to see Ben split his own arrow, both embedded in the bulls-eye. He lets out a cheer, despite the circumstances, because that? That is not a sight you see every day.

**


“Thank you. For your help.” Ben holds out a hand to Vecchio, his face mournful, his eyes sad.

“That's it? We do all this and don't even get to see the wedding?” Vecchio fakes his affront, reaches up and tilts back his hat, the ridiculously long feather curving far enough to touch his back.

“I am sorry. They'll return you to Chicago now. I do hope Lieutenant Welsh isn't too harsh regarding your disappearance.”

“Don't worry about him, got him wrapped around my finger,” Vecchio says with an unconcerned smile. “Can I keep the outfit? Kowalski thinks I look like Errol Flynn.”

Ben raises an eyebrow but refrains from responding beyond allowing him to keep the clothes.

Kowalski wanders over, Dief jumping around his feet; he extends the dozen or so flowers he's holding to Vecchio, blushing as he does so. “Not that I'm gonna do this all that often, but they were nice. I thought you'd like them.”

Vecchio hesitantly takes the haphazard bouquet of glittering, shimmering yellow flowers and sniffs them cautiously. “Thanks, Stanley,” he says slowly.

Ben's eyes go wide, true fear registering in them. “Ray, where did you pick those?” he asks, his voice pitched low.

“Over by castle area. There weren't too many, so I only took a few. Why? Not supposed to pick the flowers or something?”

“Indeed not.” Ben's voice actually wavers, and this catches the attention of both Rays. “To pick those flowers is to incur a death sentence,” he states, and grabs the flowers from Vecchio just as a voice rings out, calling for the guards.

Vecchio recognises the screamer as the woman Kowalski had been talking to, and she's pointing directly at them as she hurls accusations.

“Oh god,” Ben whispers, and yes, there's fear on his face, but also relief. “Diefenbaker, I do believe we've outstayed our welcome.”

“Time to run?” Kowalski asks with a grin.

“You better know how to get us home!” Vecchio yells and follows them as they run from oncoming mob.
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